You know the strangest thing about feeling like your world is falling apart? Having to deal with the fact that it really, really isn’t. The world keeps right on turning, oblivious to how shitty you are feeling. Even on days where just putting one foot in front of the other seems like too much effort, you still have to brush your hair, and wash the dishes, and clean your clothes, and pay your bills, and go to work, and eat things that are not chocolate digestives.
I am not good at completing small tasks like this at the best of times. I still haven’t changed my address with my bank after moving last June. Parents, feel free to commence nagging, but you’ll have to get in line behind Niall.
I am useless at putting the rubbish out. Every day, I will open my front door, look at the black bin bag lying outside it, convince myself that I am far too busy to take down the rubbish, even though my walk to the train station takes me directly past our bins and leave it there.
Doing the dishes requires such a momentous amount of willpower that I always feel a bit cheated that no one is there to shake my hand and give me a certificate once I’m done. And upon discovering that a couple of hours later, dishes are once again piling up next to the sink, my mind reels at the injustice of having to wash them again. Like, seriously? I did the dishes! I earned my dish doing badge! Isn’t that enough for you, world? I just want to have a sandwich without facing the horrifying consequence of having to wash a small plate.
So, for somebody who is naturally very lazy when it comes to personal admin and daily chores, the fact that these little tasks still exist when I’m feeling low is utterly exhausting. Sometimes, the mere thought of hanging up my clothes, or washing my hair, or socialising with people makes me want to crawl into my bed and take a two week holiday from existing.
But two week bed-holidays are neither socially acceptable, nor, based on my experience with two day weekend bed-holidays, are they very effective at making you feel better. So I stumble on: catching trains, cooking food, taking phone calls, cleaning the rabbit hutch, paying my rent, all the things that the world requires of me on a day to day basis. Sometimes this makes me feel better, but a lot of the time, it just makes me feel tired. How do you cope when it’s not the world that’s falling apart, it’s you?